I am typically a woman of many words, but when it came to writing a blog post on this topic, I admit that I felt very unsure of how to word it.
Thankfully for me, another adoptive mama, Abby Valas, recently blogged on this topic, and gave me permission to repost her
original blog post on my blog.
I love her post, because of her honesty; I too know that no question is ever meant to offend - friends and family simply want to know about our son and our adoption process, even if sometimes it comes out all wrong!
This blog post is for those of you who have no idea how to approach some more sensitive questions when talking to adoptive families, as well as for those of you who are adopting/have adopted and need a reminder that the vast majority of questions that come at us are out of genuine interest, even if poorly worded.
Please note: I have taken the liberty to bold two parts that I personally found very important to Tony and I, however they were not bolded in Abby's original post.
So sit back, relax and enjoy a good read from my (Facebook) friend, Abby:
"Political correctness...hmmm...not really my thing. I have come a long way in my 31 years and have actually developed a pretty sufficient filter. It works when I need it to. My dear friends who have stuck with me all these years can tell you that I've put my foot (or whole stinking' leg) in my mouth more times than I'd like to admit. So, what I want to share with you is something that I would have needed a few years back, and probably even just before I became an adoptive Mommy. In recent weeks, I've seen countless articles, blog posts, and various other forms of media on the topic of 'What not to say to an adoptive family' or 'What every adoptive family wants you to know.' They just keep popping up, so I feel led to respond and address the issue. For the record, I think that most of them are all crap. The ones I've read are self righteous, snotty, and have the general message of..."I'm better than you and you have NO idea what I'm going through....OR how amazing I am." Like I said...crap.
I think I have a pretty thick skin and am not easily offended...like ever...quite possibly because I have often been the offender a time or two...or most of the time. So, here's the deal friends...I'm going to take you through some of the questions/comments that I've fielded that those "other" moms think are sooooo offensive and give you some alternatives. We all know that it's never what we say that gets us into trouble. It's the way we say it and the words we choose. I think that the general public outside of the adoption community simply doesn't know the 'right' words to use when asking these questions. And many adoptive families are honestly incredibly hypersensitive. From my experience, most of these 'offensive' questions and comments have come from close family and friends...All people who love us dearly and would never say anything to hurt us. Please know that if you have asked any of these, I was not offended in the least and am so honored that you would love me and my family enough to want to know. Please keep asking! These comments and questions come from a really good place...a place of love, and really just simple curiosity. And that, my friends, is OKAY!
So, here we go... in no particular order...
1. 'Why did her real mother/parents give her up?' or worse..'Why didn't her real parents want her?'
I have heard this one quite a bit. Okay, let's start by defining "real parents." What is a "real" parent? A real parent is the one who holds and rocks her baby's little body when she's sick; the one who wipes tears, boogers, butts, and God only knows what else; who tells her she's smart and important, who encourages her and believes in her when she doesn't believe in herself, who chases the monsters away at night, who grounds her when she's 15 for being a sassy, backtalking pain in the rear...and a million other things. That's a 'real' parent. Any yahoo can do the deed and give birth. It's what comes after all that that makes someone a parent. So, I am her REAL parent. The end. The second part to this one is that it's simply not my story to tell. That story belongs to my daughter. It is hers and hers alone. I think that she has a right to know her own story before the rest of the world does. If she chooses to share that story, then it's hers to share. Until she can make that decision, I will hold it like my life depends on it. I will protect it and keep it just for her. She owns her story. Not me. It's not mine to share. So honestly, this question is one that is best left alone. If an adoptive mom wants to share these details with you, she will.
2. 'Did you get to pick one?'
Okay, I admit, I kind of chuckle a little when I hear this one. Yes, I got to go in and pick the shiniest, prettiest one with the best 'new car' smell! Ummm, no. That's not at all how this works, folks. :) The Earthly logistics go something like this...family applies for adoption with an agency...lots and lots and LOTS of paperwork happen...the agency matches your family with a child that they feel will best fit with your family. Now, with that said, God chose my daughter for me. She was always mine and has been from the beginning of time. Just because I did not physically give birth to her, does not mean that she's any less mine than the ones that did grow within me. She grew in another woman's womb, but God made her for us and us for her. She was created to be a Valas as she was perfectly knitted together in her birthmother's womb. So, yes...someone 'picked one.' It was my Father. :)
Instead of saying that, try this: 'So I'm very interested. Please tell me how this all works? How did your child become part of your family?'
3. 'Do you have any children of your own?' or 'Are you going to have any of your own?'
Let's refer back to #1 and #2. My daughter is 'my own' just as much as any of my other kids are 'my own.' We all know what you meant and it wasn't malicious, but instead try wording it like this: 'Do you have other/biological children too?' As for the second question, let's just leave this one alone. Couples choose adoption for different reasons. Maybe they had fertility issues and they don't want to tell you about every little detail....because well...it's none of your dang business. If so, maybe they will continue to grow their family through adoption. In any case, ALL of our children are our OWN children. These questions are ones that are usually best left alone unless you are extremely close to that adoptive mom/family...and in that case, you'd likely already know those answers and wouldn't need to ask in the first place.
4. 'What's wrong with her?'
Okay, this one does increase my blood pressure a bit. When people learn that your child is special needs, the immediate knee-jerk response is...'well, what's wrong with her?' Alrighty....well there's nothing wrong with her. She's pretty perfectly awesome if you ask me or any other adoptive mom adopting a special needs child. Now, I know that people don't mean to be insensitive, and I absolutely keep that in mind all the time. A better way to ask this would be: 'I bet she's precious! What's her special need?'
5. 'She is so lucky!'
We are blessed to be her parents for sure. WE are very lucky to have been given such a gift. However, let's not forget why adoption exists in the first place. Adoption is born of great tragedy. In a perfect world, she would stay with her birth parents to be loved and cared for in her own country, immersed in her own culture surrounded by her family and people who look just like her. Unfortunately, we live in a horribly broken world where adoption is a last resort...especially international adoption. So, no. I would not consider her 'lucky.' Yes, her life and ours will be blessed immeasurably by adoption. Instead, try this: 'What a blessing she will be to your family!'
6. 'How much did she cost?'
Okay friends, adoption is freakin' expensive! What you mean to say and should say is this: 'I've heard that adoption is very costly. If you don't mind me asking, what was the cost for your process?' Personally, I have absolutely zero issue answering this question. In fact, I like to share that information because I think it's important for people to know what you're going through financially. If another family is considering adoption, the cost is a huge factor to consider. If it's family and friends of an adoptive family, it's important for them to know too so that they may be able to help with fundraising efforts if they choose.
7. 'Why don't you adopt from the US? Our foster care system has tons of children who need families.' or 'International adoption is just a fad that celebrities started.'
Again, people choose adoption in general for many different reasons. I won't get into my personal reasons for international vs. domestic because it's just not relevant in this particular post. What I will say is that it's not anyone's place to make judgements of adoptive parents and the ways in which they choose to grow their families. If you genuinely want to know and are asking with a pure and loving heart, then I think that is perfectly okay. I'm happy to share my reasons with anyone who asks me. As for the second question here, just don't go there. It proves you're an ignoramus and that's just not something you want to advertise. It's not becoming.
One major rule...only ONE! Never, ever, ever ask any questions or make any comments in front of the child or any of the family's children. Ever. It's a big no no. Don't do it. Just don't!
I think I've covered the high points here, the ones that I've fielded or heard discussed within the adoption community. So, if you're the family or friends of an adoptive family and have asked any of these, just consider rewording your questions next time. And adoptive families, FOR THE LOVE...get your undies out of your rear and your nose out of the air and understand that these questions aren't meant to offend you. They usually come from people who love you and care for you. Use these moments as teaching moments and just talk to your loved ones (or even random strangers) and gently let them know what's okay and what's not. Now, there may also be instances where you do encounter the intentionally mean, hateful, or insensitive, in which case, you may bring out the claws. I don't have a cure fore stupid...sorry. :)
As for my own family and friends (and also even random strangers) I'm an open book. If you've found my blog, even if we've never met, you're on this journey with us too, so welcome friend! If you want to know, just ask. If you're following our journey, you're connected to us and our little family in some way....big or small...you're connected.
Thanks for traveling with us!
Love, Abby :)"
Thank you again, Abby, for giving me permission to repost this blog post from your blog,
A Long Road Home From India, and thank you, readers, for taking the time to understand better adoption-related questions! Like Abby, Tony and I are pretty open about our adoption process, so feel free to ask!
